Setting Boundaries: 3 Important Things to Remember

Sep 19

Now this is a scary topic.

Setting boundaries…

Yikes.

Are you a chronic people-pleaser like me? If so, you know this is a hard thing to change.

A people pleaser will bend over backward for anyone and everyone in her life, even at the expense of her own happiness or comfort.

For me, people-pleasing runs deep. I’m convinced it’s my factory setting.

(Beep, booop, beeeep)

As a people-pleaser, you may tend to…

Bend over backward to accommodate everyone in your life
Say “yes” way too often
Feel anxious about what other people think

As a mom, it’s important to set boundaries. Not just for your kids, but for yourself as well.

Even when it’s hard.

Even when it hurts someone’s feelings.

Yes, even then.

In fact, it’s 100% okay to hurt someone’s feelings.

While setting boundaries, you will. Guaranteed. Someone will be upset with you.

But, as someone who is working on setting boundaries for myself and my family, I have a few tips that will help you set boundaries, especially if you’re a recovering people-pleaser, like me.

Write Out Your Boundaries & Speak Directly

Here I go with journaling again.

I know.

Seriously though, when you write something down, it becomes real. It’s no longer a fleeting thought floating around in your head.

I know when I’m about to have an important conversation, I write out everything that I want to say.

In preparing to create boundaries, it’s also important to know exactly what they are. You may have an idea of what they are in your head, but once you write them down, it is all mapped out. You will have a better idea of how you want to communicate with them in the future.

Setting up your boundaries greatly affects your mental and physical well-being, and it respects your needs in any relationship (1). You need to know what your needs are in order to communicate them effectively.

Boundaries are foundational to our identity. If you are new to setting them, you may find out more about yourself during this process.

Here are two main questions to ask yourself while writing out your boundaries:

What makes you feel safe?
How much time, energy, and money are you willing to spend on people and situations?

Remember, it is a process and not a perfect one.

Start small and then grow from there.

Once you know what your boundaries are, speak directly. Don’t allow any wiggle room.

Sometimes the most important thing is to be honest with yourself.

Here’s a little “boundary setting” example for you:

I currently work as a teacher, and I set very strict boundaries for work. I leave every day at the same time unless there is a required meeting or event.

Period.

After my work day is over, it’s time to leave.

I go home and be with my family, go to the gym, read a book, write a blog (*wink*), or whatever else I want to do with my time.

I do not answer emails, I do not take calls, and I do not do any paperwork.

This creates a healthy boundary between my home and work life, leaving little to no blurred lines.

I’m happier both at home and at work, and it’s all because of healthy boundaries.

Gaslighting: Boundary-Setting Example for Moms

Well, what is gaslighting?

You may have heard about this before, or you may have examples of it in your own life.

Gaslighting is defined as “psychological manipulation that hinges on creating self-doubt” (2).

You might be surprised how often this happens to people. Especially when they are trying to create healthy boundaries with family, friends, or a work environment.

As mothers, it can be hard to set solid boundaries with extended family, friends, and work.

Let’s say the following scenario is happening to you:

You are a stay-at-home mom, and a family member continues to come over to your house, unannounced.

Ugh.

They may be coming over to do something helpful, such as drop off groceries, give the kids presents, clean your house, etc…

But, you are uncomfortable with someone dropping by without telling you first. You feel overwhelmed and underprepared for hosting people when they show up unexpectedly.

(*Remember: this may not be a boundary for everyone, some people are quite comfortable with people coming over unannounced*)

Then, the family member hits you with one of these zingers:

“Oh, come on, I don’t come over all the time, only sometimes!”

“I come over to see your kids, don’t you want them to have a relationship with me?”

“That’s a little rude don’t you think?”

That, my friends, is gaslighting.

Comments like this lead you to doubt yourself. They also make you think you are exaggerating or overreacting.

Chances are, you’re not.

I know some of you can relate to this, and I am here to say, don’t put up with it.

Communicating a healthy, reasonable boundary should not result in comments like that.

Allow Safe People in Your Life

Now, what is a safe person?

This can be hard to define.

What I mean by “safe” is are they emotionally safe?

I’ve let a lot of “unsafe” people into my life, and I will say, that once you know the difference between the two, it’s hard to ignore.

Here’s a little test to help you determine who could be a safe person to let into your life or keep in your life.

Ask yourself this:

When you communicate your boundaries, do they understand you or do they react defensively?
If they are in the wrong, are they willing to admit it and/or apologize?
Do you feel like you can share your opinions openly with them, or are you walking on eggshells?

These three questions really helped me, and I hope they can help you too.